The Fan Club
by ChaoticIrony
Summary: The Uchiha Clan's heir may be a genius, but he is failing them in the one area the clan needs him most. Desperate for help, they turn to their Hokage, who brews up a plan that may very well light a fire under his pants for good.
1. The Goal

**A/N: Warning: May contain fluff and ridiculousness. **

**This is really just an excuse to have some light-hearted fun, after writing angsty dramas for too long now, and I have been itching to write Itachi for a while now. Don't tell Kakashi, but I think Itachi has managed to just knock him off the top of my favourite men of Naruto list.**

**I can't promise anything, but I'm hoping to be able to update this quite regularly.**

****Characters (except for one or two of my own) belong to Masashi Kishimoto, as does the Naruto universe. Plot is mine.****

* * *

Fugaku Uchiha did not sigh often. It was a rare event, much like a celestial comet, or a solar eclipse. One that was often connected inextricably with other, mundane events, which then inevitably grew to the heights of legend. Tales such as; "Do you remember when we dropped dango on Uncle Fugaku's new shoes, and he _sighed_?

Well, maybe it wasn't that bad. But it was unusual. Like most Uchiha, he kept his emotions hidden away beneath multiple layers of absolute stoic control, to the point where he wasn't even sure himself that he had actually experienced an emotion in the first place.

Lately, however, he had found himself sighing much more frequently, and it always seemed to connect back to one or the other of his two sons.

He wished for the hundredth time that day that Mikoto was still alive. She would have known exactly how to deal with those boys, and would have done so swiftly and efficiently, knowing precisely which buttons to press to motivate (or suppress, as it may be) either of them, as if they were mere puppets, and she the puppetmaster.

But she was not here, and he was left trying to deal with the problems that came with fathering two young men who were as different as chalk and cheese.

Which brought him to where he was right now; sitting in the Hokage's office, trying not to sigh at the prospect of asking for help from someone outside of the Uchiha clan.

Fugaku suspected that his youngest was the cause of his nearly constant migraines, as he was certain that they had coincided with around about the time that Sasuke had turned sixteen. Sasuke had become an excellent shinobi, as Fugaku had known he would. He was no Itachi, and would never be, but he was an S-class Jounin with an impeccable mission record.

But, and there was no other way to say this, the boy simply _could not keep it in his pants_.

Far too regularly for Fugaku's liking came evidence of the fact. Either he heard it in the form of gossip through the constantly flapping lips of the clan women, or he was awakened by his overly alert senses to the sounds and smells of a clearly inebriated Sasuke climbing back into his bedroom window night after night, drenched in the tell-tale stench of lipstick and perfume. More often than not he unwillingly overheard his lecherous nephew Shisui spreading the filthy details to anyone who would listen.

Yes, Sasuke was definitely the number one cause of the decrease in Fugaku's emotional control.

However, recently Itachi had become a problem as well. And, ridiculously, it was for exactly the opposite reason.

The clan elders had begun to chew Fugaku's ear off about just when Itachi was going to settle down enough to produce his own heir. So far, Itachi had shown not a single inclination towards the opposite sex, much to their intense disapproval. It had even lead to an incredibly awkward scene between father and son, after the elders had insisted that Fugaku ask Itachi outright if he had inclinations towards men instead. Sometimes, Fugaku cursed being the head of such a clan. He had also been slightly awed and envious at his eldest son's own self control, as Itachi showed not a miniscule of shock at the question, answered smoothly in a monotone, "No, Otousan.", and only after leisurely finishing his breakfast, left the kitchen, and proceeded to avoid his father for the remainder of the week.

The boy was an enigma. Fugaku had not a single doubt that Itachi could probably fight the entire Uchiha clan at once and come out unscathed. He was just that good as a shinobi. Fugaku had known since he was a child that Itachi was a one in a million prodigy; he had set his own goals for advancement and surpassed them every time. He was also more intelligent than anyone Fugaku had ever known. He spent all of his spare time either reading or training, reading or training. He never seemed to desire time in his life for anything else.

Which was what Fugaku's current problem all came down to. Both Fugaku and the clan elders were at a loss as to how to orientate the man in a romantic direction. Itachi was twenty-eight years old. Most of the other shinobi he had grown up with had their own families by now, yet Itachi seemed absorbed by a world of his own, one where a family was not even considered. The council had tried to arrange dates with women that they deemed eligible, yet Itachi's intelligence had backfired on them every time. He could always seem to provide a reason why one girl or other was not suitable; for him, or for the clan. His in-depth knowledge regarding the girls' backgrounds had startled Fugaku, to the point where he had begun to suspect that Itachi had been running background checks on every single woman in the village, just so that he would have ammunition to use against them. Which would not entirely surprise him. That was just the kind of eccentric genius Itachi possessed.

So now, the clan had become desperate, and in their desperation the wily old bastards had managed to lump it all back on Fugaku. Itachi was to be at the very least in a serious relationship with someone by the end of the year, or the clan would find themselves a new heir. Fugaku was told in no uncertain terms that it would not be Sasuke either.

Fugaku had spent the last three nights tossing and turning, and dwelling on the situation at hand. And finally, last night he had managed to at least lay the situation out logically, as he might have done going into a particularly difficult mission. The pertinent facts were as follows. Itachi could not be persuaded by himself or the elders to date. He was as stubborn as the day was long, and had never been persuaded into something he didn't already believe in. Losing the title of heir was also not a motivating factor for him. He had made it clear on several occasions that clan politics were a thorn in the clan's side; as long as the heir was an Uchiha it made little difference who that someone was.

Fugaku needed help, and he suspected, help of the feminine persuasion would be best.

Which was why he now sat in front of the fifth, asking for her advice. Trying desperately to swallow down that sigh.

The Godaime had swung herself around to slouch back in her chair and prop her long legs up on the windowsill of the giant glass pane behind her desk, her hands clasped in her lap, looking out thoughtfully over the village below as he presented her with his not so little problem. He thought her mannerisms highly unprofessional for a Hokage. Which was probably only because he was trying to distract himself from the overwhelming feeling of vulnerability as he laid out the very personal problems of his clan as if he were a patient confessing to his shrink. He felt like he should be lying on a couch while she scribbled in a notepad nodding her head every so often.

He had finished his explanation now, and waited with utmost patience as she ruminated on a possible solution. He was mildly surprised that he didn't have to wait long.

She swung her legs down suddenly and turned back to face him. "The solution is obvious."

He raised a salt-and-pepper eyebrow ever so slightly in invitation for her to continue. Inside he was jumping up and down with a ludicrous amount of impatience.

"He'll have to fall in love."

Fugaku was dumbfounded. If this was her idea of helping, he would have been better off asking Orochimaru. He allowed some emotion to seep through into his expression, looking at the woman as if she were onigiri without rice. "I...don't understand your point Hokage-sama. That's the end result. Not the solution."

"Utter rubbish." Her blatant disrespect was always a pleasure. "That's how a clan thinks, Fugaku, and how well has that worked for you so far?"

His silence answered her for him.

"You said it yourself; Itachi is not the type of man who can be persuaded into anything. Therefore, the only solution is that he come to the conclusion that we want him to, himself. All he needs is to be manoeuvred into the right situation."

Fugaku looked more confused than ever. "It's...not like women find him unattractive, though," He grudgingly admitted, shifting uncomfortably. "Surely he finds himself in the "right" situations all the time. Kami knows, Sasuke seems to have no trouble." He mumbled the last part under his breath.

He hated the way she looked at him as if it was obvious, yet at the same time her smile reminded him of the looks Mikoto used to give him when 'educating' him about their boys.

"Fugaku, as a captain, Itachi spends most of his time around ANBU. Faceless, emotionless, genderless ANBU is not a recipe for romance."

Fugaku grunted. He had never thought of it like that before.

She tapped her nails thoughtfully against her teeth. "He may be able to refuse to date, but he can't refuse legitimate orders from his Hokage." Her eyes were lighting up as she concocted her plan. "No, what we need is to force him into as many situations as possible with some carefully selected ladies."

"And how, exactly do you plan on doing that?"

Her eyes gleamed. "I think I have an idea. You just leave it to me."

Fugaku let out the long contained sigh as he left the Hokage's office.

Somehow he had the unnerving feeling that he had just unleashed all hell upon his eldest son.

* * *

"W-why do you think we're here, I-Ino?"

The delicate Hyuuga heiress looked terrified as she perched on the edge of her seat. In fact, she looked like she was on the verge of vomiting with fear.

"I have no idea, Hinata," Ino told her for what seemed the hundredth time. She frowned. It _was_ rather strange that the entire Itachi Fan Club seemed to have been summoned to the Hokage's office all at the same time, and were now waiting outside her office while the vibrations of her voice radiated out through the heavy door. Ino did not envy the poor sap who was currently being chewed out in there.

The last time this had happened, they had been called the Sasuke Fan Club. Same members, different idol. Several years ago, they had all grudgingly admitted that they now found the elder Uchiha far more attractive, and had decided to go for a full switch. They had been more than willing to fork out the extra cost to change their letterhead, stamps, cards, stickers, journals, and even each burn their underwear with Sasuke's name written in them lovingly in marker pen and write Itachi's name even more lovingly in their new ones. Though they had found it nigh impossible to collect any personal items from the highly reclusive man to place on their altar, and had to be content with a paper cup he had drunk from that Tenten had fished out of the recycle bin.

This had all coincided quite forcefully with the younger Uchiha's newly acquired 'reputation'.

Sasuke had become a slut. Most of them had had him now at least once, and in having him had found that he wasn't actually the god that they had envisioned him to be. Disappointment reigned supreme, and membership had waned to near non-existence.

Then Itachi had been presented with the Shinobi of the year award at a presentation in front of the entire village. There was nothing unusual about this; he won it every year without fail. Only this time, a handful of hormonal teenage girls were in desperate need of a new idol. Their eyes gleamed with a predatory fever as the more beautiful version of their previous idol was praised in near god-like fashion, and the rest was history. Sasuke had been ousted from his throne without so much as a single shed tear. Once they had announced through the female ranks who their new king was, membership had ironically swelled again, although, in recent years, as more of their members got married and were forced (usually by their new husbands) to resign it had dropped back to mostly the founding members.

Which brought Ino back to why they could possibly have all been called here today. The last time this had happened, when they had still been Team Sasuke, they had gotten in no small amount of trouble for stealing Sasuke's hitae-ate. Sakura had nabbed it from him during one of their team's undercover missions, hoping he would think he lost it, but Kakashi had used his blasted dogs to track it right to their evidence-covered altar.

The Hokage had made them shovel shit (literally, she sent them to work at a fertiliser farm), for a whole week, yet despite the punishment, Ino could remember the Hokage having quite a good dose of amusement behind her eyes. Ino half wondered if the Hokage was one of their 'silent members'. There were one or two of those; women who did not want it known that they were in the club so signed up to their weekly newsletter only under an alias.

She looked around the small waiting area and noted that all but one of their 'out' members was there. There was the Hyuuga heiress, who they all knew actually worshipped Naruto, but had been all but forced into the original club by Tenten, and now only stayed because it was the only time she got to hang out with all of her female friends at once. Tenten herself was currently away on a mission, but no doubt would not escape whatever the Hokage had in store for them. Hana Inuzuka, Kiba's older sister, Kiyoko and Kiyomi, identical twins who were nurses from the hospital, even Moegi from the old Team Ebisu was there. One girl she didn't recognise was sitting down the end of the bench, looking more than a little embarrassed to be there. She must have been one of the silent members. From what Ino could recall, there were three of those at last count, she wondered where-

The door suddenly burst open, and a very red-faced chuunin burst out, all but running from the wrath of the woman within.

"You lot, get in here!"

Hearing a chorus of nervous gulps, including her own, Ino edged nervously into the room followed by the rest of the women to stand in front of their terrifying Hokage.

But as the woman in question looked up from her papers to the group in front of her a charming smile broke across her face. Somehow, that worried Ino even more.

"Now," She began as she seemed to be counting their numbers, and hearing the door open again they all turned and looked as Shizune slinked quietly inside with a fierce blush on her face, joining those in front of the desk instead of standing next to the Hokage as she usually would have. "Ah, there you are Shizune, can't hide forever, I recognised your alias almost immediately. You know, you really should change it occasionally if you want to retain anonymity."

Ino didn't think it possible, but Shizune managed to turn even redder.

The Hokage consulted the sheet of paper before her again. "Looks like we're just waiting for one more then."

Suddenly the door burst open, and a slightly blood-splattered Sakura ran in, skidding to a stop before the desk. "Sorry I'm late, shishou!" While Ino gaped incredulously at her, the Hokage looked at the front of her medic coat pointing a horrified shaking finger at it, and paling visibly before them.

Sakura looked down at her front and gave a squeak of surprise, quickly tearing off the coat and bundling it into Shizune's waiting arms who promptly proceeded to toss it out the door and into the corridor before slamming the door closed again. The Hokage composed herself.

But Ino still looked horrified. "Forehead, you rotten cow! You said you refused to stay in the club when it 'wasn't dedicated to Sasuke anymore'." She mimicked a ridiculous tone.

"Well, I could hardly abandon Sasuke so blatantly! He was still my teammate, after all."

"Then what the hell are you doing here," She leaned over to look at the list of names on the Hokage's desk, "...Chieko, I presume?"

Sakura huffed. "Well...I guess I did agree with you all, but I couldn't let Sasuke find out!"

"You coward!"

"Don't you call me a coward, Ino-pig!"

"ENOUGH!"

Tsunade banged her fist down on the desk hard enough to send long splinters cracking though the hundred year old wood. "For kami's sake, will you two stop bickering, or I swear I _will_ find someone else for this mission, and I don't think you would be very happy about that!"

All eyes snapped to their Hokage at that. Mission sounded a great deal better than punishment. But what mission could she possibly have planned that only included the members of a fan club?

Tsunade slumped into her chair now that she finally had their full attention.

"As I said, I have a mission for you all. One that is completely unprecedented, and _top_ secret. Therefore, I shall require all of your assurances that word of this mission shall not leave this room."

They all nodded in firm agreement.

Tsunade looked at them seriously.

"I am commissioning each of you with seducing Itachi Uchiha."

Tsunade had never thought she would see nine girls faint at once, but there it was.

* * *

"Y-you w-w-w-w-w-want us to...w-what?" Hinata had turned into a berry. A red berry with blue-black hair. The rest of the girls just stood there drooling, with heart-shaped eyes and their mouths opening and closing like they were goldfish.

But Tsunade had had about enough of these antics. She clapped her hands together sharply. "Alright girls! Enough of this nonsense, pull yourselves together! You are Konoha shinobi and this is a very important mission!"

Ridiculously hormonal fangirls they were, but at heart, they were professionals, and this drew them out of their zombie like state to snap to attention before their leader.

"Good. As I said, I want you to take this mission very seriously. It is of the utmost importance that Itachi Uchiha be in a serious relationship by the end of the year, so we don't have a lot of time to waste."

Hinata opened her mouth to protest, but the Hokage cut her off. "I know," –she looked at Hinata as she said this- "That some of you may not be in the club for the same reason as others, and that you may not _actually_ be interested in dating the Uchiha," Ino snorted incredulously at the very concept. "_But-_" The Hokage glared at her in response, "Nevertheless I want you _all_ to do this wholeheartedly. Think of it as you would any seduction mission outside of the village. While it would be beyond wonderful if one of you could actually enter into a meaningful long term relationship with the Uchiha, all I am really interested in at this stage is kick starting the currently non-existing hormones of the frigid little shit."

"Hey!" Several voices cried in indignation at the belittling of their idol.

"Oh, give it a break. Be honest, have you ever seen your beloved Itachi with a woman?"

They all looked at each other questioningly. "Well, no, not exactly." One of the twins.

"I would bet my bottom dollar that not one of you has seen Itachi show the slightest bit of interest in a single woman. Ever."

"What's your point?" Ino rudely dropped all formalities at the implied insinuation that there may be something wrong with her beloved Itachi.

"My point is simply that this mission is not going to be a walk in the park. You are all attractive women," Ino muttered under her breath about some being better than others, but the Godaime ignored her, "But that is not going to be enough to win over this Uchiha. You will need to be clever. Use your brains, you're all smart girls. Get creative, think outside the square. I want this to be a fierce competition between you. We don't know what kind of woman he likes so it could be any one of you. You are all very unique, find your own strengths and use them to their full advantage. Never falter from your goal! Because I'm telling you, the one who melts _that_ Uchiha's heart can truly call herself a woman."

Ino and Sakura glared daggers at each other across the floor.

_That's right, Sakura. _Ino's lip curled up in a sneer. _It's game on._

* * *

The Hokage leaned back in her comfortable chair in her now empty office and smiled greedily as she took a swig from her sake-laced tea.

She had whipped those fangirls into a frenzy as easily as if she were waving a slab of steak in front of a pack of half-starved hounds, and now she had unleashed them upon said slab of meat. The fight over the tasty morsel would be monumental, she had no doubt, but at the same time, _highly_ entertaining.

She decided to round up a few of the older shinobi, to start taking bets on who would be the champion.

She pressed the intercom, and Kotetsu's familiar voice drawled through. "Hokage-sama?"

"Get me Jiraiya, Kakashi, Asuma, Kurenai, Gai, Ibiki, Genma, and yourself and Izumo for a meeting in my office in thirty minutes." He went to reply and she cut him off. "Wait, scratch that, not Izumo, he's too much of a loudmouth." She could practically feel Kotetsu's eye twitching through the speaker at the insult to his life partner, especially when considered that Gai and Genma were in that list, both known to be some of the loudest mouthed shinobi in the five nations.

The reply came through audibly gritted teeth. "Yes, Hokage-sama."

She sighed with contentment. Kami bless that Fugaku and his entire pompous clan. If everything went as she thought it would, this was going to be a very lucrative undertaking for her. Each shinobi could choose a kunoichi and assist them with their mission, providing information regarding any titbits of info they already knew about the Uchiha, or were able to glean. They would place their bets, and if their kunoichi snagged the ultimate prize then waves of golden ryo would rain from the sky.

She grinned evilly, feeling the flush of her almost certain success already.

She knew exactly which bitch she would be backing.

* * *

**A/N: P.S. I _love_ reviews, they make me write faster. Go on, it's right there - Just one or two words and hit post...you can do it!**


	2. The Club

**Terribly sorry for the delay - life happened - and I also lost my mojo a bit. But never fear, for the time being anyway, it's back ;)**

* * *

**THE CLUB**

Kakashi's eye was twitching. He hated conflict at the best of times, and this was certainly no exception. And the noise. He despised yelling. The only way he got through all those years of training Naruto - with his headache inducing timbre - was because of the pure unadulterated pleasure he got from dishing out ridiculous and gruelling punishments for his near constant failure.

The verbal war that was currently being fought in the Hokage's office had set his teeth clenching and his eyes watering. But the Hokage's latest announcement had cut at something much deeper. His pride.

"Sakura is technically still in Team Kakashi. So as her team leader, _I_ should be the one to mentor her."

"Piss on that, Kakashi. _I'm _her employer _and_ her current teacher. It makes much more sense that it be me. Besides, _I'M_ the Hokage, so my decision is final." She finished off with a very childish, "Hah."

Kakashi pouted behind his mask.

"Besides, you should be happy for Sakura. I'm in a position to pull the most strings for her. With my help, she's almost guaranteed to win."

Kakashi conceded; this was very true. Sakura couldn't get much better a mentor than the Hokage herself after all. His headache even seemed to be receding. That was, until Gai started up right next to his ear.

"That doesn't seem very fair, Hokage-sama! Why should my own blossom of youth be disadvantaged by my lack of connections?"

The Hokage rubbed furiously at her temples. This was all starting to seem like too much trouble. "I would have thought you would be happy to be mentoring Tenten yourself, Gai. Unless you think there is someone who could assist her better? By all means, feel free to suggest an alternative."

The green-clad horror thrust his chin in the air. "Normally I would be repelled by the mere suggestion that I may not be the best man for the job!" His head drooped dejectedly. "But in this case, I believe my dear student would be better mentored by Ibiki-san."

"Too bad, dipshit, I'm already mentoring my own recruit. And I ain't changing for no'one. Ino will win this race come hell or high water. The rest of you pansies can argue amongst yourselves, I'm done here." The scarred shinobi strode from the room without a backwards glance.

Gai started to cry. "Why? Why must my inferior skills be a burden forced upon my dear blossom of youth!" Bubbles of mucus escaped from his nose. "Oh Tenten, I have failed you before you have even begun!"

Kakashi watched the man with a mixture of barely restrained contempt and revulsion.

The Godaime looked equally disgusted. She hurled a tissue box at the taijutsu expert's bowl-cut head and was mildly disappointed when he caught it just before it smacked into his dripping face. "Pull yourself together, man!"

Gai pulled a tissue from the box, blew his nose loudly, and gained a little composure. "You're right, your Hokageness. I will just have to make do without connections." He placed the tissue box on the Hokage's desk as he considered further. "Tenten is beautiful...she's brave, and... and her weapons skills should impress any shinobi worth his salt." He perked up more with each realisation. "With her kunai skills there's no way Itachi could overlook her!" He bolted for the door. "I'm going to get started on her training right away!"

As the door closed behind them, Kakashi and Tsunade let out a mutual sigh of relief.

"So." The Hokage turned to face him. "Kurenai doesn't care much for betting, but in the interest of the science of what-the-hell-turns-Itachi-on she's agreed to try a few things with Hinata. We all know the girl has no inclinations towards anyone other than Naruto, but she'll do anything in the interests of her village and she has some great espionage tactics that they might be able to put to use."

Kakashi considered that. So far nobody seemed to realise it but him, but Hinata may actually be the kunoichi with the best real chance of winning this race. She had a lot in common with Itachi, being the heir to one of the two greatest clans in Konoha, and neither of them seemed to want the title. Hinata had an incredible bloodline limit, but would never use it out of spite or to harm, unless she absolutely had to, to defend herself or a teammate. Itachi had always shown the same inclinations. On top of that, she had absolutely no interest in Itachi. From what Kakashi knew of Itachi, unlike his younger brother, he abhorred women throwing themselves at him. He had seen Itachi brush off absolute goddesses like they were nothing more than a bit of lint on his sweater. Luckily, Kakashi had been there to pick up the pieces, and was not ashamed to offer the girls the next best thing. One time, he had even said to a girl left pouting in Itachi's wake, "So, you didn't get the full Uchiha. How about half an Uchiha?", whilst raising his eye-patch to reveal his sharingan. Even Kakashi couldn't believe that one had worked.

The Godaime was still going, reading off of her notes in front of her. "...Jiraiya wanted that other girl- oh, I forget her name- the pretty, quiet chuunin one... let's just call her what's-her-face." Kakashi watched, amused, as she actually wrote _'what's-her-face'_ next to Jiraiya's name. "Genma _jumped_ on the twins," The Hokage raised her eyebrow and looked up at him briefly, "Pun intended," she returned to her notes, "So that leaves you and Asuma with a choice between Moegi and Shizune." The Godaime gave him her best warning glare. "If I were you, I know who I would be choosing."

Kakashi sighed. Tsunade was right; there was no choice about it. "Moegi it is."

The Hokage set fit to boot him all the way across Konoha, and he quickly held up his hands in surrender. "I'm kidding- just kidding. Shizune will be perfect." Geez, some people could not take a joke.

Tsunade settled, but for some reason he still feared for his life every minute he remained in that room. Luckily, the Hokage had similar ideas. "Well, get going then, you've got a lot of work to do." She reached one hand to her drawer for her afternoon 'pick-me-up' - even though it was barely eleven-thirty - and then remembered something. "-Oh, and don't forget to place your bet with Kotetsu before you leave."

Kakashi sighed as he left the austere room.

There went his afternoon.

* * *

Ibiki Morino wasn't an idiot. He knew people. The _real_ people. Not the people that people showed other people, oh no, those were just projections of what people _thought_ they should be like. In those projections, people put on happy faces and sympathetic voices, and sneezed puppies and shat rainbows. And when something bad happened to someone else, they all hugged each other and cried for each other and sent 'get better soon', or 'in sympathy' cards.

Ibiki knew better. He knew that deep down, deep inside that secret room in everyone's mind that they tried to keep locked away from the rest of the world, there was a locked cupboard, full of the things that people wanted to keep secret from their friends. And inside that locked cupboard, there was a safe, full of the things that people wanted to keep secret from their very soul mates. And inside that safe was a lockbox. Inside that lockbox? Well, those were the things that people wanted to keep secret from _themselves_. That was where, in the wake of a tragedy – even a particularly close and heartbreaking one – people thought, even if it only slipped out for just a fraction of a second before being locked tightly away again, _better him than me_.

There were a handful of top-level interrogators who could lay claim to being able to gain access to the 'safes' in people's minds. _Very_ few people in the world could claim to have been inside someone else's lockbox. Ibiki had been in 389 and counting.

He knew that those lockboxes contained some terrible things. That was why Ibiki didn't bother to put in the effort to 'play nice'. Knowing the things that he knew about the true nature of people, he didn't feel the need to put on any sort of charade to hide the way he really was. It was also why he was such a shit-hot interrogator. He could spot a lie from a mile away. When you knew the very lies that people told themselves, spotting a lie told to other people was a piece of cake.

Which was why Ibiki didn't take one scrap of notice when Tsunade told them that the rules were that they couldn't mentor their recruit until the set time. The plan Tsunade had told them, was that she would schedule a short mission for each girl alone with Itachi, the night prior to which the mentors were allowed to coach their recruits using any information they had managed to glean in the interim. She had even _graciously_ agreed to make Sakura's mission last, so that she couldn't be accused of trying to give her girl an advantage over the others.

Ibiki knew beyond a shred of doubt that although Tsunade may have said that to them, she herself had no intention of waiting, _and_ that putting Sakura's mission last was likely not altruistic in the slightest. He had been inside her mind at least twice in their lives – once when he was a fresh-faced Jounin and had been just beginning to learn his 'art', and again when she first returned to the village to become Hokage. The elders had insisted that she be screened for any possible ill-intentions towards the village first, as was the custom with all intended Hokage, before officially bestowing her with the title. He had remembered then what a twisted little mind she had, and it had not changed much over the years. People had varying degrees of where their lying began, and hers started right at the surface.

Which was why he was headed to find Ino Yamanaka right now. Tsunade would waste little time before telling Sakura every little scheme inside her conniving head, and so he would do the same.

That brought him to _what_ exactly he was going to tell her. That was also simple. Having been deep down inside so many people's minds, most of those people being _men_, he knew a great deal about the nature of men's desires. He had probably to some extent or other entered the minds of over a thousand men, and he knew that when it came to women they were all the same. Although he knew most women would have a fit if he told them this – most men's attraction went in this order: tits, ass, face, personality.

Luckily, his recruit had all four of these things nailed. In fact, he would go so far as to say that she was yards ahead of the rest of those girls in these respects. That was why he had been so unwilling to give her up to anyone else.

This, of course, all hinged upon whether Itachi was like all other men. Ibiki had never had the pleasure of crawling around inside the Uchiha prodigy's mind, but as far as he was concerned that made little difference.

He had the pertinent appendages to be male, didn't he? His medical records didn't suggest otherwise, so there was no question of any particular uniqueness in that respect. It was just as likely that deep down, his mind was exactly the same as any other testosterone-filled humanoid.

He tracked Ino's chakra to inside an averagely priced clothing store on the main street, standing in the isles, her vision wavering between two items of clothing in what looked like the choice between certain doom and certain rapture.

"At attention, recruit!" He barked in his best authoritative tone, and Ino's back snapped dead straight at the sound of her superior's voice.

She whirled around and stood to full attention, still grasping the two items of clothing between her hands. She didn't move a muscle as her sensei of the past three years stalked up to her, then looked her up and down in one sweeping evaluation.

He paced around her slowly as she stayed at perfect attention, her gaze fixed at a particular spot on one of the bricks on the back wall. "It has come to my attention that you have been assigned with a very important task," A brief shift of her eyes was all that showed her surprise at his knowledge of the mission, "One in that, as I understand it, you will face not only great personal disappointment, but also great shame if you were to lose to a certain friend-slash-rival. I am here to make sure that you do not fail."

He stopped when he had completed the circle and was back directly in front of her.

"Recruit!" She stood up even straighter as he barked louder than before. "Your skin is too dry on your cheeks. Except on your nose where you have several little black things clogging up your large pores which I understand are called blackheads. Your forehead and chin are also slightly oily. I believe this is called the T-zone." She gaped up at him unrestrained now, as he near shouted the critique to her complexion for the whole store to hear, and several people looked over in shock, a few even snickering quietly behind their hands. She tried to shrink down beneath the tops of the clothes to hide but it was no use. And it appeared he had only just begun.

"Your hair changes colour abruptly about two inches away from your roots, leading me to concur that you are in fact a fraudulent blonde, and are in desperate need of a re-bleach. However, please ensure that when you book yourself in that you do not forget to have the good one-and-a-half inches of split ends removed at the same time."

Ino's mouth fell open even further, and even – unsuccessfully – tried to sputter something intelligible, as her face began to turn a rapidly darkening shade of pink.

He continued to look her up and down appraisingly. "Your knees and elbows are dry. It would appear that you have done an excellent job of moisturising your arms and legs, but I am embarrassed to see that a recruit of mine would overlook such a vital area. Jojoba, would be an excellent choice in the future, I think." Ino had completely given up all pretences of obedience, and was now gaping at him as if he had sprouted an extra head. He ignored her and continued. "You have been biting your nails – a disgusting habit, recruit. No matter, acrylics will cover those nicely. I suggest a softly feminine shade, to draw the attention away from your sometimes abrasive voice." Ino's eye began to twitch.

He sighed loudly as he looked down. "That toenail is cracked-" He suddenly stopped and cringed at her feet. "Recruit. THREE of those toenails have toe jam. THREE. That's thirty percent of your toenails. Do you know what the acceptable level of toe jam is to retain absolute femininity? ZERO percent, recruit. ZERO."

Ino was beetroot red now. A veritable crowd had gathered to watch her humiliating dressing-down, albeit one that lingered on the fringes of their isle, still half pretending to be shopping for something, but nonetheless, a wave of chuckles managed to reach her ears at every insult. That last one had verged on an all out cackle. She had to get out of here. Why, oh why, wouldn't the floor open and swallow her up? This was undoubtedly the single most embarrassing thing that had ever happened to her.

Luckily, it looked like Ibiki had finally finished his rant. He whirled around and began to walk away towards the entrance to the store, marching, as he did, as if to the beat of a drum that only he could hear. Ino's shoulders slumped in relief. Until-

"Oh, and if you are going to actually purchase either of those cheap-ass dresses," He called back behind him as he walked, shouting the statement across the whole store. "Get the black cocktail dress. As long as you invest in a better bra than that shit you're currently wearing your tits will really pop in it." He pushed his way out the front entrance with only the cheerful jingle of the bell above the door in his wake.

Every woman in the store turned to look at Ino.

She quickly stuffed both dresses onto the nearest shelf and began backing to the door. She gave a nervous, half-laugh, as all of the eyes upon her seemed to demand an explanation. "Just a friend. He's not well, poor thing. He's on ward four. Has delusions that he's my gay stylist." She almost laughed out loud at that, despite herself. "He must have escaped his minder again, they're probably terribly worried about him, I'd better chase him down." She reached the short stairs to the front door just as everyone's look turned pitying, and she turned around and bolted for the escape/exit.

As she burst out onto the street she felt incredible freedom, but it took only moments before her sensei's blunt critique came back to the surface of her mind. Never one to wallow in self pity, she determined to do exactly what her sensei would expect her to do.

She would correct the problems immediately.

* * *

Sakura shook her head with disgust as she sat on a bench in the main street watching her number one rival tear from overpriced clothing store to ridiculously priced clothing store, to downright daylight robbery clothing store. Ino was more of an idiot than Sakura thought (and that was really saying something), if she thought that Itachi could be swayed with some tight-fitting, expensive clothes. He was the clan heir for kami's sake, they were always schmoozing at some event or another, rubbing elbows with the other ludicrously wealthy clans, with their gorgeous wives and daughters all practically dipped in gold with a diamond on top. If that hadn't swayed him, nothing that Ino could buy with her somewhat limited funds could either.

Come to think of it, looking at the evidence of the damage she was doing clutched tightly in her hands and growing more bountiful by the minute, Ino had probably eaten into a fair portion of her life savings for this.

Sakura smirked and turned away. No, that was not the way to the elusive Uchiha's heart. But what was?

Sakura slumped down on the bench and chewed her nails thoughtfully. It was best to go about this like she did anything else, logically and patiently. She would take her time, gathering intel on her target before making a carefully thought out plan.

The best place to start was obvious. She had all of the fan club's newsletters in a chronologically ordered binder at home. She would re-read them, making notes regarding his routine, any obvious personality traits, what he liked to eat, etc. If there was anything else at all that he showed an inclination to, she would find out about it there.

She knew her advantage lay in her intelligence, and it was that which she would have to use to fight this battle.

She may not be able to win the Uchiha's heart herself, but she would _never_ lose to that Ino-pig.

* * *

"Hey, Ino!" Chouji waved his arm frantically at her from a yakitori stand.

Ino barely paused as she marched past him and Shikamaru, struggling not to drop any of the bulging branded clothing store bags which nearly consumed her. "Can't stop!" She screeched out from somewhere between the couture. "I'll be late for my appointment!"

Ino had many appointments that afternoon. Hair at one. Facial, lashes and brows at two. Bikini and leg wax at three-thirty. And the most important; nails and a pedicure at four-thirty.

There was no way Ino was going to lose to Sakura. She would not let Ibiki-sama down. The Hokage was an idiot. Beauty could beat brains any day, and everyone knew she was the most beautiful kunoichi in Konoha. Itachi just hadn't seen her at her best yet.

But that would soon be remedied.

* * *

Hinata's heart was in her throat.

She had left the Hokage's office intent on doing her very best to avoid the Uchiha at all costs, so she had certainly not expected to run into him in the Jounin tea-room for the fourth day in a row.

As soon as she had seen his familiar dark ponytail she had darted back behind the door and masked her chakra, peeking ever so quietly around the doorjamb to observe him. He had his back to her and was pouring hot water into a small, elegant tea pot.

She watched him carefully, as she did every week, noting what he was wearing, the length of his hair, any visible injuries (there were never any, but she still liked to look), all in the name of her dutiful role as 'The Observer', and writer of their weekly newsletter. She had been the most logical to take on the role, as she found it very easy to go unnoticed, and her Byakugan had come in handy on several occasions in locating the mysterious shinobi. She had to be cautious when using it however, as his own field of chakra recognition was quite broad, and she had had to fall back on several occasions when he had seemed, in his barely distinguishable way, to become suspicious. Of course, she would never know if he truly had been suspicious of course, as the second he changed direction, or paused, or twitched a finger, or the wind simply blew his hair, she took off in panic, certain she had been exposed.

And so now she stood frozen to the spot, using all of her powers of camouflage to disguise her presence.

"Hey, Hinata-san, Itachi-san." A fellow Jounin walked past her and through the door, but before the word, "Hey," was even out of his mouth, she had vanished into thin air.

Itachi slowly leaned back from the bench, peering through the doorway.

The other Jounin stared at the empty space the Hyuuga heiress had been as well. "Well that was...weird."

Itachi went back to preparing his tea. He had felt her presence, watching him again, as he often did. But even he had been surprised at her speed.

_Interesting._

* * *

Sakura gripped the twelfth weekly report she had read in a row between her fingers and chewed on the end of the whiteboard marker as she analysed the patterns that made up Itachi's day. As it turned out, he was quite erratic with his schedule, which surprised her, as he seemed like such a fastidious person in other aspects. It really was a wonder Hinata could ever find him at all. Many of the reports were, of course, just times that Hinata or any of the other girls had seen him in their own daily activities – they had taken a note of the time and what he was doing and it all went into that week's print.

Sakura slumped back onto her couch. She was an excellent code-breaker, and she could usually find patterns with relative ease, but this – other than his time spent within the Uchiha compound from dusk till dawn on the days that he wasn't on a mission, there seemed to be no pattern to Itachi's schedule whatsoever.

No two days were alike. Even his lunchtime habits were erratic. Most people had a favourite eatery or two which they cycled between, but Itachi seemed to get bored with a place after a few days and move on. For example, from the week before last he had lunch at Soba's Noodle House for three days, then he moved on to Uncle Yoshi Bento for two days. Then he switched again to Ichiraku Ramen for one day (Sakura giggled at the thought of who might have frightened him away so quickly from there), and then Katsubi for five days. The latest newsletter hadn't come out yet, but Hinata had told her for the past few days he had been seen eating home packed meals in the Jounin tea-room.

Some days he would train on the public training grounds, some days within the Uchiha complex, some days he trained at night, others at midday, or early morning, or afternoon, or late morning. Some days he trained with Shisui, sometimes with Genma, some days with Anko or Asuma or Shino, a couple of times with Sasuke and at least once with Kakashi, but more often than not with nobody at all.

Sakura threw the newsletters down in front of her with a huff of frustration, and stalked into the kitchen in search of some food. Even her stomach was grumbling with annoyance. It was ridiculous. Even with the disruptive life they led due to their missions, every single shinobi she knew led a pretty predictable, routine-filled life while they were here at the village. What the hell was wrong with this guy? She picked up a suspiciously light box on the bench and shook out the few remaining crumbs into the sink. And where the hell did all her crackers keep disappearing to?

She threw the empty box into the bin and found an apple in her fridge instead. She wandered back to stand in front of her whiteboard while she munched on her apple thoughtfully. So, training sessions and eateries were not viable sources of information. Missions were out too, for obvious reasons. This 'mission' of theirs may be given 'top priority' by the Hokage but Sakura was still a professional.

But other than eating and training in random places and at random times and with random people, there was no fixed activity that he did every single day. The only _recurrent_ thing on his schedule was that he walked through the Tenmei Gardens at least once a day at varying times (as reported by Kiyoko, whose office overlooked them), but that in itself was strange, because they only led to-

* * *

From deep amongst the flowerbeds that lined the short path to the road, two emerald green eyes watched the pink-haired female run from her apartment. For the third time this week, Debu the cat noticed that the door didn't quite shut behind her. Debu didn't mind. For the third time this week, Debu pushed his portly body against the door, and when it gave he waddled in, and with a mighty effort threw his body weight up onto the Formica benchtop in the kitchen.

Debu sat and stared at the cleared bench in disgust for quite some time. The lovely yellow box of treats was gone.


	3. The Plans

**A slightly shorter chapter than I envisaged, but I really wanted to get a new chapter out promptly to all of you who had waited so patiently for my last one! Enjoy, and please review, it motivates me to keep writing! :)**

* * *

**THE PLAN**

Udon felt that familiar thrill race down his spine as he saw the pink-haired kunoichi running towards his desk. It had been a long time since he had been on Team Ebisu with Konohamaru and Moegi, but he still remembered the first time he had seen Konohamaru's idol, Naruto, walking with his female teammate towards Ichiraku Ramen. It had been a cold, windy November day, and the leaves blew around them furiously. She had been bundled up in a jacket with a fluffy grey hood that fell around her shoulders, an emerald green scarf wrapped around her neck and puffy cream-coloured ear warmers which matched her gloves. Her porcelain skin had been flushed beautifully with the cold, and with the effort of her furious conversation with Naruto. Her hair had been tousled by the wind, and he was entranced by its unique colour, which complimented her other features so perfectly. Her jade eyes burned brightly, their colour made even more intense by the closeness of her scarf, and her rosette lips were mesmerising as she tore pieces off of Naruto for one reason or another. As they approached the ramen shop where he and his teammates were lunching, he shrunk lower into his seat and watched her surreptitiously, his ears catching snippets of their argument, which continued throughout their meal. Even her voice was beautiful. She argued with passion, but reason – and she certainly didn't shriek her point across like Moegi liked to do. And then, when they left the ramen stand (long before his trio – Naruto finished his _and_ her meal in record time), she looked over at them and gave them a wink, before falling right back into her heated discussion and out the door towards the Hokage tower.

From that day on, Udon was hooked.

Taking this job at the Konoha library instead of continuing as a shinobi had been the best thing he had ever done. It suited his analytical mind to a tee. He had always loved mathematics and logic, and maintaining the ordered catalogue system gave him great pride in his work. And the old books and scrolls – he loved everything about them – from their beautiful bindings to the sometimes strange truths, messages or stories that they held within. He even loved the musty old smell. But the icing on the cake was his daily visit from Sakura Haruno.

And today she was literally running towards his desk with a smile as wide as the gates of Konoha beaming straight at him.

Udon swallowed thickly. Was this it? Was today the day that he had dreamed about so many times, when she would run up to him and tell him that she had finally realised after all these years that he was the only man who could make her happy? It was certainly possible. He didn't flatter himself that he was as handsome as say, Sasuke Uchiha or anything, gods no – but he thought he was at least attractive enough to be considered. He had grown tall and lean; he still kept up some level of training just in case he ever needed it one day, so he was fit enough. That, and the persistent snot-drip of his childhood was long gone.

As she reached his counter in the centre of the floor he donned his warmest smile – the one that he reserved only for her. "Hello Sakura. Where's the fire?"

"Huh? Oh. Nowhere, I just..." She was out of breath, and her smile turned embarrassed as she realised how eager she looked. She decided to start again. "Hi, Udon, how are you?"

"I'm fine, Sakura, just fine." He could see behind her eyes she was desperate to ask him something, so he left it at that.

"And your family, how are they? Oh – Is your grandmother out of hospital yet?"

The question was genuine, of course – Sakura cared deeply about people's health in general – but that desperation still simmered beneath the surface. He swallowed again. She looked nervous somehow, and it made him feel even more nervous in response. "Uh, yeah – Lady Hokage kept her in overnight, but it turned out it was just a kidney stone- Sakura?"

Her eyes snapped up at him, guilty. "Uh, yeah?"

"Did you want to ask me something?"

She looked embarrassed. Sakura Haruno was standing in front of him, wanting to ask him something, looking embarrassed. This was it.

"Well," She swallowed. He swallowed. "I was kind of hoping you could help me with something. A BIG favour. I know that Itachi Uchiha comes here every day, and I was kiiiind of hoping I could see what kind of books he takes out?" She finished with a sweet blush and chewed on her bottom lip.

Udon just stared. Itachi Uchiha. Of course.

She looked concerned when he didn't answer. "Udon?"

"You know I'm not supposed to give out that kind of personal information, Sakura."

"I know, I know. It's just, I thought, maybe you could do it just this once, for me? I promise not to do anything _nefarious_ with the information, I swear. I just need to get an idea about what sort of things interest him." She blushed again, and then turned her most pleading puppy dog eyes on him. "Pleeeease? I would be _eternally_ grateful."

Gods she was stunning. He sighed and turned to his computer, typed in **I.T.A.C.H.I.U.C.H.I.H.A** with the greatest menace that one could put into keyboard strokes, scrolled violently past the image of the prodigy's perfect face, and hit the PRINT HISTORY button at the bottom. This _was_ it. This was a key moment in his dedication to the pink-haired kunoichi, but not the moment he had initially thought it was. This was the moment that he helped his crush to get closer to her own crush. He smiled weakly up at his inamorata, the expression not quite reaching his eyes.

"It won't be long," he mumbled out quietly, a lump in his throat like he had swallowed an onigiri whole.

"Oh...ok." She studied him carefully, quite concerned with his change in demeanor. She reached out, and put her hand on top of his. "Thank you _so_ much, Udon. You're the best." She leaned over the counter and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Despite the utter disappointment he still felt deep down inside, Udon couldn't help it as one side of his mouth pulled up in genuine happiness, and his cheek blushed hot where she had kissed him. "Oh, it's no problem Sakura, really." He handed her the still warm sheets which had finally popped out of the printer next to him. There were several pages. She grasped them as if she was holding the key to the universe in her hands, already absorbed by their contents. "Please feel free to come to me if I can help you with anything else. Anything at all." Pathetic. Gods he was pathetic.

She beamed up at him. "Thanks again, Udon. Have a great day!" And with that, she was gone.

Udon watched her leave, then turned back to his computer. Next to the Uchiha's last returned book, he typed out a note. _**Book returned damaged. Penalty: Membership revoked 30 days.**_ Then he grabbed the book from amongst the pile next to him, waiting to be re-shelved. Looking around the library for any onlookers and finding none, he tore the bulk of the pages out from their bound covering, ripping the back cover in the process.

He quietly placed the tattered remains on top of the other books waiting to be repaired.

Usually, Udon loved books. But just this once, that had felt _really_ good.

* * *

Tenten stood outside the Hokage tower not quite sure what to do with herself. She had only returned to the village from her mission a half hour ago, to be informed by the Hokage that her next mission was to _actually seduce Itachi Uchiha_. That was all well and good - well, actually it was pretty weird - although it sounded like a better mission than most. But how in the hell was she actually supposed to go about it? She wasn't fiercely beautiful, like Sakura, or sexy and bold like Ino, or even pretty and feminine like Hinata. She was a tomboy for the most part. Yeah, she thought the Uchiha was hot, and had fantasies about being with him, like every other girl – but in reality if she actually did manage to get his attention she would have absolutely no idea what to do with it.

"_Tendn!_"

Wait. Was that her name? It sounded suspiciously like it – albeit whispered hurriedly from shadows somewhere over behind that bench. She moved closer towards it, her hand reaching for a kunai just in case, and sure enough-

"_Tenten! Psst. Over here."_

A large green and shiny black shape came into focus. "Gai-sensei! What are you doing behind there?"

She squeaked as he reached out and pulled her into the bushes with him.

"I'm sorry for the covert nature of our conversation Tenten, but it is necessary to avoid suspicion."

"O-kayy?."

"I understand you have just been given the Uchiha assignment?"

Tenten looked relieved. "Yes! But, sensei, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do!"

"It's ok, Tenten. I'm here to help." He lowered his voice even further. "Now, as I have discovered, the Uchiha takes his weapons skill very seriously. And I believe that gives you an advantage over the other ladies."

Tenten was confused. "It does?"

Gai nodded solemnly. "It does. You must wow him with your incredible skills at every possibility. Those other ladies are trying to get to his heart with beauty, and brains. NONSENSE!" The birds flew from the tree above them in a flurry. "The way to the Uchiha's heart is with a kunai straight to the chest!"

"Uh, sensei, I'm not sure that's-"

"-And you are the only girl with the skills to actually pull it off!" The shouting bush was drawing stares now. "But you must train harder, my sweet blossom of youth! Come, we mustn't delay!"

He all but yanked her arm out of its socket as they took off down the street to the training grounds.

* * *

Asuma slowly massaged his temples and breathed deeply. Why, oh why had he agreed to this ridiculous bet again?

The immature redhead in front of him crossed her arms over her chest and tapped her boot. "But why?" She asked for the fifteenth time.

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because it's stupid, that's why."

Moegi growled with indignation. "I AM NOT STUPID!"

Asuma sighed and ground his teeth. "I didn't say you were stupid." He spoke with a barely restrained calm. "I said it was a stupid idea."

"I still think I should give it a go."

"Moegi. You can't just walk up to him and ask him out. That's not how this works. If he says no, you will have lost before you've even begun."

Moegi glared at him. "Why are you so sure he's going to say no?"

Asuma's head pounded harder. He could have sworn he'd already had this conversation. They were just going round and round in circles now. "Again, that's the whoooole big reason we are doing this." He spoke as if to a five year old now. "He says no to everybody."

Moegi stuck her chin out in indignation. "Hmph. I'm not just anybody you know."

Asuma took a large swig from his ice cool lemon tea, secretly wishing against all odds that it was sake instead. They were sat at a drinks vendor's portable stall, perched conveniently opposite and only a few feet away from his favourite drinking hole. He was sitting backwards on his stool, his elbows propped up on the counter behind him, his now empty mug in one hand and the last dregs of a cigarette in the other, watching the shinobi going in and out of the pub with a rarely felt envy. He didn't even try to hide the fact that he was openly mentoring his charge already, despite the threats that the Godaime had made – frankly, he couldn't give a rat's ass if he was caught. He didn't even want to be included in the stupid bet, but she had insisted (actually, she had completely ignored his protests), AND he didn't even get to mentor Ino. At least she would have been (slightly) more reasonable.

A glance at the sun told him it was nearing 4pm. 4pm on a Friday. If he could just hurry up and get whatever the hell he was trying to achieve here over and done with, ditch the girl, and he could be over the road and washing down the week's worries with his 'shinobros' in no time at all.

"You know what," he started, deciding on a strategy, "Fine. Do whatever you want. Maybe you're right. After all, you know what they say, 'honesty is the best policy'."

Her face lit up at him, the first positive reaction he had had from her in their short time together. "Really, sensei?"

Asuma felt his heart soften a little at her finally deferring to him with an honorific. She was a cute kid really, if a little naive. But hey, weren't they all, once? "Sure thing, kid. In fact-" He noticed then the familiar black ponytail and almost regal air of the shinobi just entering the bar, along with what looked like his cousin and a couple of others. "There he is now. Go ahead. Here's your big chance." Perhaps calling her bluff was the way to knock some caution into her.

He expected her to change her mind. He expected her to falter, or stall. He expected her to at least take a moment to think about it.

What he did not, under any circumstances expect was for her to go flying across the road at the speed of sound screaming "Itachi!"

Asuma turned white and bolted after her.

_Shit._

* * *

Itachi revelled in the small bar's overwhelming cacophony of sensations as each one flooded his senses mercilessly. His quiet and reserved nature often had people assuming that he was a prude, or at the very least a discerning elitist. It couldn't be further from the truth. Itachi agreed wholeheartedly with whomever it was that said variety was the spice of life. He had one life to live and he wanted to sample as many sensations as he could in that time. His sharingan served him well in that purpose, at least as far as visual sensations went. But what many people didn't realise was that he had also spent years harnessing his other senses as well. He frequently went for long periods of time completely blind without anyone else being aware of it. It had started when he was a teenager – he was always pushing the boundaries of his abilities, testing and tweaking and manipulating his chakra, trying to discover entirely new techniques that had never been discovered before – when he had accidentally discovered how to short circuit the flow of chakra towards his optical nerves and instead direct them towards his other sensory organs. This resulted in a state of being completely blind, with incredibly enhanced alternative senses. Over time he had trained with this technique so often that it wasn't long before he had taught himself to use his other senses so well that he could actually follow other people's eyes with his own powerless pupils to the point where he looked completely natural. No one would ever suspect how often he had used this technique, not a single soul in the world knew that he was capable of it, not even his own father. But it had opened up a whole new world to him. He had become addicted to his other senses in a way; his ears wanted to hear every sound from the soft sighs of a summer zephyr, to the violent screams of a sand storm in Suna. His hands wanted to touch every texture, be it sharp or rough, velvet or slime. His nose wanted everything from the sweet soil smell of the earth after the rain, to the sharp metallic acridity of his own blood. He wanted to taste every delight that there was to be had. He had become greedy for sensations, and greed wasn't an attribute that sat easily with him. Greed was self-serving. His father and the rest of his misguided ancestors had drilled him with that adage enough times. Self indulgence was not _becoming_ of an Uchiha.

Nonsense. As far as Itachi was concerned, that was his clan's whole problem. If they let go of their rigid traditions once in a while he believed that they could be a one of the great clans again. Until they did they were slowly suffocating, stifled by pomp and ceremony. In that respect he was actually secretly proud of Sasuke. While Itachi couldn't say he agreed with the –ahem- _methods_ Sasuke was using, he was pleased to see that at least one Uchiha was rocking the boat.

But Itachi was also anything but disrespectful. He was still the heir to the clan, and with that came certain expectations about his decorum. So he kept his self-indulgence neatly tucked in, partaking of his cravings only deep down inside where no one else could see. On the outside he wore an impermeable mask of indifference. He donned it now, as he wandered slowly through the crowds of scruffy, unwashed shinobi, sampling them one by one. He didn't need anything but his eyes for the first – the back of his trousers were dusted with the unmistakable white powder of calcium carbonate from the limestone outcrop just outside of the village – his mission clearly hadn't taken him far. The next was awash with the subtle smell of streptomyces bacteria, most likely picked up from the soil in Amegakure. He tasted the salt that blew off of the next man as a breeze blew over him from the door - Land of Waves perhaps?

In with the breeze came another smell, sugar and lemon carefully combined with a subtle green tea – not insignificant enough to be from its source at the vendor across the street, but carried into the bar on one – no - make that, _two_ person's breaths.

The first perpetrator drew closer, and as they did, Itachi became aware of other scents adhering to them that were thoroughly out of place in a bar such as this; a sickly vanilla perfume, strawberry-scented shampoo- and was that bubblegum?

A very feminine female then. Itachi had to admit, his curiosity was piqued, but he kept his perfectly schooled expression as Shisui began ordering their drinks from the barman, even though he had a terrible instinct creeping over him that this was somehow, someway, going to have something to do with him. It always seemed to.

Sure enough, not moments later the fruity-scent-drenched body stopped directly behind him, a female voice called out "Itachi!", and the sound was immediately swallowed up by the auditory cacophony created by the men around him, who were of course oblivious to the sounds of one female voice.

But not him. He heard it, and he did everything in his power to pretend he hadn't. Maybe it would go away.

Unfortunately for him, several variations on, "Itachi!", "Itachi, will-", "Itachi will you-" were all washed away to all but his ears, and even a gentle tug on his vest went ignored before:

"ITACHI WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME!"

blared out across the entire bar.

Itachi clenched his teeth ever so slightly and turned around to face the propositioner as the entire bar full of shinobi burst out into raucous laughter.

The poor girl he found there was in the process of turning into a berry, and Itachi couldn't help but feel for her. She was only a child - she couldn't have been more than 15 or 16 – and part of him had to wonder what on earth she was thinking. He wondered how this situation had gone in her head before she acted upon it. However, he also found himself pretty impressed with her guts. She had clearly decided to do something and had actually done it, and even though close to fifty gnarled and weathered shinobi were all laughing at _her_ she had yet to tuck tail and run, and still looked as though she was waiting for his response, while simultaneously hoping the floor would swallow her alive. Had it been anyone else, he would have brushed them off with a cool (but as always, somehow polite) 'no', before resuming his original activities, but somehow he couldn't quite bring himself to put this girl through any more embarrassment than she had already caused herself.

"Certainly."

The second he said it the entire bar went dead silent, and he was pretty sure that he actually heard Shisui's jaw drop. That in itself was worth it.

He began walking leisurely back towards the front door, before he stopped, turned his head to the side and called back to the stunned girl, "Are you coming?" She almost tripped over herself in her hurry to join him, and he made a show of holding his crooked elbow out for her to take. As they walked together the short distance to the door (past an almost catatonic Asuma), he hoped she was at least getting some pleasure out of this, as the poor girl currently looked like she was in some kind of drug-induced stupor.

The second they exited the building Itachi heard the noise within explode to three-fold its previous levels. He could just imagine what sort of gossip would be brewing. Not that it bothered him. Nobody would dare to even whisper a word about him in his presence. Let them say what they liked. Perhaps it would work in his favour and get the clan off of his case for a time.

He walked with her until they were just out of view of the bar windows, then he lowered her arm gently, and said, "There. You are out." He looked at her for a moment, wanting to give her some words of- encouragement, advice, he didn't know- but the right words just wouldn't come to him. "Well, have a good day."

He took off back towards town.

She would get over it.

* * *

Asuma couldn't help but feel quite impressed with the younger shinobi.

He had been certain when he couldn't stop her in time and she had blurted out her proposition _in front of the whole bar_ that she was in for an even bigger embarrassment with the inevitable rejection by the Uchiha heir, but he had been surprised when the quiet shinobi had basically said 'yes' to her screeched request. Ok, surprised was putting it lightly. He was goddamned flabbergasted. His still burning cigarette butt had fallen out of his mouth and landed on top of his foot, and it wasn't until the pair had exited the building that he realised it was burning an angry red welt into his skin and he had to dance the bloody thing off. He quickly exited out the side door and straight into the trees to witness the final exchange between his charge and her _objet du désir_.

His respect for Itachi had jumped up a few notches today. Not only had he managed to not embarrass the girl further when she had already done such an excellent job of doing that to herself, he had also found a way for her to exit the bar with her dignity intact, and at the end of it all, he had managed to do so in a way that had seemed like a completely innocent misunderstanding on his end, allowing the girl to walk away from her interaction with him without any hard feelings.

Moegi had been left standing there still stunned of course, not quite sure what had just happened. Asuma took her around the shoulders. "Come on, let's go get an ice cream, Ok?"

After a few silent steps, she finally spoke up. "Asuma-sensei?"

"Hmm?"

"I think you were right."

Ahh. Music to his ears. _Gods bless you, Itachi._


End file.
